How can one describe the Pain?

Morning comes and I lay in bed
Unable to move
The ache inside too strong
Throat tight
Eyes burning
Heart pounding
Each beat a knife against my chest
Aching

Afternoon comes not soon enough
Familiar faces surround me
The ache subsided for a time
A smile brings some relief but …
Deep down my heart still pounds
Food has no taste
People mean nothing
Body numb

Evening air wafts through the window
Silence captivates my thoughts
The ache at its strongest
Screams stuck in my throat threaten to come forth
I close my eyes and when I open them
Hot tears burn down my face
Gasping for breath the pain so strong
Curled in a ball shaking
Words can’t describe the aching, the numbness, the gut wrenching pain

Homesick.

Knocking on my Life's Door

Waiting for Darcy, Gilbert or your very own Wesley?

As a girl I know very well the dreams any regular girl has. Who hasn’t dreamed of being swept off of their feet by Prince Charming or their very own Darcy? If you ask any girl, she will say that yes, she would like to be pursued and by that I mean a guy who will go out of his way to make it known to her that he likes her and is interested in her.

The other day, as I was talking with my host mom we came up with a wonderful illustration of what a girl’s life is like. Imagine with me here for a minute.

A girl’s life is in a large house. There is a door, through which she lets in her friends and those that get close to her heart. Inside this house everything happens. Life. School. Work. Social activities. Family. Anything and everything that happens inside this house. Now someday there might come along a guy who dares knock on her door asking to be let in. He is interested in her and gets up his courage to knock on the door to her house. Now what do you think happens? I’m going to present two versions of what might happen.

1. She might be waiting by her door for just this moment to come along neglecting everything else inside her house and so she runs to the door and opens it, much to the guy’s surprise. He didn’t really knock that hard but because she was so worried about missing this knock on her door, she heard the faint noise and jumped at the opportunity.

2. Or she might be busy inside her house. Living life, spending time with her friends inside, concentrating on her schooling, building stronger relationships with her family and so she doesn’t hear this faint noise and the guy who knocked gets tired after only one try and leaves.

So what happens in each scenario? In number one she lets in someone who wasn’t all that serious and will most likely not treasure the sensitivity of her heart. He might leave again because he wasn’t all that interested about being in her life. The girl is left disappointed and hurt. In the second scenario she was so occupied with living a full life that she didn’t hear that feeble attempt of this one guy to get in to her life. There is no hurt or disappointment.

What am I trying to say with all of this?

Girls, wait. Don’t hang around the door of your heart for just any guy who might be slightly interested in you to come along and knock. If you don’t even listen for it, all those that are not meant for you will pass over and you won’t get hurt. When the time does come and a man knocks on your door, someone who is worth a princess of God, he will persevere. He will knock hard and long until you hear it over all the other things going on in your house, in your life and because he took so long to get your attention he will stick around because in his eyes you were worth the wait.

My prayer is that I would not get so busy waiting at my door for a guy to come and knock on it, that I neglect what life really is about, becoming a woman after God’s heart. With his guidance and strength I want to fill my house with good things; people who love me and support me, activities that draw me closer to Him and away from that chair by my door that’s already been worn from sitting in it for such a long time waiting for my very own Gilbert. I pray for each girl and woman out there, for healing and for the patience to wait for the man willing to pound at her door.

When Life Hits Full Force

How can I best describe my life right now? ... the word crazy busy sure does sound accurate. At the moment I'm working about 30 hours a week at three different jobs and on top of that I'm juggling 15 credits at LBC.
Today I got to talk to my little sister and it was so good and I didn't want the conversation to end but it had to ... and it made me incredibly sad. :( I wish I were there in her life right now back in Germany.
The newness of living the US has worn off and now it's just down to the every day life of work and school and work and school. There is no more time for socializing or hanging out with my friends anymore. While they are all in the dorms having a great time together, I am working. I know it's not all fun for them either but at least they have each other there. I don't even get to see my own roommate for peet's sake!!
I'm praying for strength and courage to get through this time in life. I know God is with me every single day. From the time I wake till the time I lay down. He is my strength and the reason I can do what I am doing! He alone can bring me through this! Anything I do is through His power and not my own!

~Psalm 46:10~ "Be still and know that I am God."